Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
