Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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