I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
