I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
