A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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