Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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