Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
