dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
