I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
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When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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