He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
