I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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