I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
