made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
