how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
