Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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