: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I fill condoms, not promises.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
