When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
