I smell stomach acid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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