She's JV to your varsity
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
