hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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