Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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