she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
