Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
