I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
