the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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