you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
