this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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