We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
why do cheetos always look like penises
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
