tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
