take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am naked and annoyed.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
