OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just blew my weed a kiss
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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