Don't you send me to vm
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
