I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i love accidental penises.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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