He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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