i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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