Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
