remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
