Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
