tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
