Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
