Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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