??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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