upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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