i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
