this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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