He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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