I cannot find my penis.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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