its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
