If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
