What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you didnt know i had herpes?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize