booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
