So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
