ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think im going to throw up on grandma
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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