I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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