he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
